Babies Take Drugs - An Attempt At Comedy

Babies Take Drugs

“What is marijuana?"

It was one of those moments as a parent when you are not really present.  My mind was scrolling through the pending day’s work waiting for me at the office.  Needless to say, the comment caught me off guard.  As I awoke from my daze I realized the radio news was running a story related to the legalization of marijuana in Colorado and my son, who usually paid little attention to what was playing in the car on our ride to school, had decided on this particular occasion to listen and respond.  

“What’s that, son?” I replied hoping I hadn’t accurately heard his question.
“What is marijuana?”  No such luck.

“Well, it’s a drug.” 

“Drugs are bad, aren’t they dad,” his voice had become suddenly serious.

“Sometimes they are son.”

Responding with this noncommittal phrase, I had a feeling every father has when he knows he may be entering a vast and barren place filled with challenging follow-up questions from his child, leading deeper into chaos and a place where the best parents become stammering idiots. 

Glancing in the rear view mirror, I could see Collins brow furrowed and his brown eyes were focused forward as he spoke. 

“They say at school drugs are bad.  Never dare to do drugs!”

Collin raised his voice and his fist on the word “dare” with this declaration and slammed down his hand on the word “drugs” as if passing a death sentence upon the world of drugs.

I would learn later that this is where the wise parent stops talking or maybe even agrees with the child in order to finalize the conversation.  Many wiser parents in this situation would have said “that’s right, Collin, never dare to do drugs,” and move along with their day; maybe even change the subject and talk about something else.  I was not a wise parent on that particular morning. 

“Not all drugs are bad,” I offered. 

“They’re not?”

“No, they’re not.  You took some Tylenol last week when you had a fever.  When you took that medicine, you took drugs.”

“I did?” Collin responded aghast, disbelief ringing through his voice.

“Yes, you did.  And when your brother got a cold last month, we gave him the purple cough syrup, remember?”

“Yeah.”

“That medicine was also drugs.”

“It was?” He gasped with even more intensity, excited to have dirt on his brother.

“Yes.  So by that rationale, both you and your brother have taken drugs. “

“We have?!” The level of outrage echoing from my son had reached comical levels.

“Yes you both have.  And everyone you know: your teachers, your friends, your family, all of them have taken drugs at one time or another.  Even some babies get drugs when they are born.”

Dead silence in the back of the car.  Silence is often a warning to parents.  Something is happening and it should be investigated.  I knew at that moment this new and potentially toxic information was being cultivated and turned over in Collin’s mind.  I realized it was important to qualify my remarks and clearly explain to Collin the difference between good drugs and bad drugs.

So for the next five minutes I went on to explain the difference between responsible drug use and the dangers of drug abuse.  I felt confident when he got out we were square and life was good.

Later that day, around 1 pm, I had my team assembled in the conference room to go over some draft work. The project was a commercial building downtown.  Things were looking very prosperous for me as I would be the lead engineer on the project.  With two team members on each side of me, I stood at the head as we shot ideas back and forth.  It was the creative phase, probably my favorite time, when all parties have fully examined the plans and brought suggestions for improvements.  Madelyn was pitching a new form of digital wiring that operates with increased efficiency when the call came.  Apologizing to the team, I asked everyone for just a moment as I hit the speaker button on the conference table phone. On the other end was my assistant, Gene.
“Cal.”
“Yes, Gene.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt your meeting but you have a call from Collin’s school; it’s a Mrs. Woodward.  She says she’s the school principal.”

Glancing at the faces of my team, it occurred to me that I should ask them to leave.

“Put her though,” I commanded with my best upbeat team leader voice.

I started, “Hello, Mrs. Woodward.  This is Cal Wilson.”
“Yes.  Hello Mr.Wilson.  I have your son, Collin, here with me and he’s pretty upset.”

Responding with a forced calm I said, “Collin is there.  Okay.  What’s happening?”

“Well, Mr.Wilson, there is no easy way to say this so I just have to say it.  Your son has indicated to his fellow students, to his teachers and now to me that you and your wife openly condone drug use.” 

 It took me a few seconds to connect this call with our morning conversation.  Shit.  Oh shit.

“Ummm, no.  What?  No, we most certainly do not.”
I noticed the shifting eyes of my team members.  They worked to remain stoic as I felt my entire blood supply rush directly to my face. 

I took in a deep breath and continued, “Collin heard a report on the news this morning that marijuana was being legalized in Colorado and he asked me about it.  I tried to explain to him the difference between good drugs and bad drugs.  It sounds like I may not have done a great job with that.”

“That would seem the case, Mr.Wilson.  Collin has been going around to his fellow students telling them that they take drugs.” I noticed the challenged suppression of smiles from team members and felt my face transitioning from a pink to more of a fiery maroon. 
“He’s also indicated to his teachers and to me that we all take drugs.  He is insisting that you told him this and that everything you say is right and true and is refusing to back down from it.”

“Well I did tell him…” she didn’t even let me finish the sentence.

 “Mr. Wilson.  We run the DARE program at our school.  Do you know what that is?”

“Yes, ma'am. Yes, I do.”  As I heard myself utter the word ma'am, one of my team members headed toward the office door.  It was Charles, my good friend and second in command.  He was smiling, biting down hard and his eyes were watering.

She continued, “The DARE program kicks off in full force next week.  It encourages all of our children to steer clear of drugs.  Your son actually believes babies do drugs.  Did you tell your son babies do drugs?” 

“Babies do drugs?” I repeated the question as if I had a learning disability.  The rest of the team broke for my office door with their own tears collecting. 

“Yes.  Babies!  Why would you tell him this?” Incredulity ran through her voice.

“I…well…I,” as I listened to my own stammering.  It felt as if my body were shrinking.  While my general brain functions shut down one after the next, Mrs. Woodward fired on.

“Will you to please come to the school and sit down with your son and I so we can all get this straightened out.  Collin seems very confused and so am I.”

I managed to blurt out, “yes, I will.  I will do that now.  I’ll be there in 30 minutes.”

After hanging up the phone, I called Gene and let her know to contact the team and get a meeting set up for the next morning.   Fear was already manifesting within me that this would get back to Collin’s mother.  Sitting down in a black leather chair at the drafting table, I allowed myself a moment to lean back and take a deep breath.
“Babies” I said aloud with my hands over my face.  “Babies take drugs.”