Just Chris on Being Afraid
Before I returned to Iowa Falls, I had always been intimidated that I would be compared to my father. It was something I dreaded; knowing full well in a small town grounded in its own traditions and history, people told stories about the success of our community, generally focusing on those individuals who helped positively influence its success. My father was one of those people. To this day Merle “Rocky” Weaver is fondly remembered by many. To be compared to him, to be held to such a standard being his son, was something I had a hard time facing.
What has always amplified my fear is the fact that dad is gone. He died when I was 13. I never knew him as a friend or as a peer. We never sat down man to man and discussed the importance of the family business or how to be a good husband or raise children. I remember him, as many kids see their dads at age 13. I remember him as a king. How could I not be intimidated? That is a lot to live up to, to be compared to and to judge oneself against.
If time and living have taught me anything, it is that we are all screwed up. Some of us are screwed up because of the dramatic events that took place in our lives. Some of us are screwed up because nothing dramatic ever happened in our lives. Some of us have strange DNA, some of us grew up in an unconventional household, some of us are addicts, some of us have strange compulsions, some us don’t know how to deal with problems and some of us don’t know how to avoid problems.
Bottom line, whoever it is, me, my father, the pope, I know now that everyone I will ever know or have ever met is flawed. And with that, we all experience fear. Growing up, I never saw my father as faulted. I know now he was a man, making mistakes who felt fear. Thinking of our life in such a light, hearing stories about who dad really was, makes me see, I have to do my best to live as I need to live, to be the person I can be, not someone else, even if that someone is as great and admired as he was. It does me no good to be afraid of being me.
I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve come to embrace the idea that while I’m proud to be similar to my father in some ways, I also appreciate being different from him. Our differences are as much a good thing for me as anything. One of the reasons for this is that those differences came to me from my mother. Here in Iowa Falls, so often the quality of her spirit is lost in the story of my dad and his success. It is hard for me, at times, to forget the business and how it affects our life and remember just how special of a person mom was, what she gave me and instilled in me that has made me something different and great. In the end, I’m thankful for it all.
We are all afraid. There are things we struggle to understand. Fear and uncertainty course through us, pushing us to do good things, bad things, things that help us to forget and things that help us to remember. No one is above being fearful, wishing they knew the answers and had the strength to move forward. If life has taught me one thing, the only real answer is to keep going, keep reaching with faith and a full heart, acknowledging fear, accepting it, but defining it before it defines me. I am strong for that. I am proud of that.
